The Breaking Twilight of the New Moon

Hey guys, I finally watched all the Twilight movies and I was surprised to find that all the things I expected to bug me didn’t bug me nearly as much as other stuff. I know it’s not a shock to anyone who knows me that I hated the movies so let’s just cut straight to it, shall we?

First, I need to admit that I have read the books, but in my defense, I was kind of tricked into it. Remember how I said I was so lonely and bored when I first moved here? Someone brought me the first book with the dust jacket removed because she wanted me to read it without any preconceived ideas. I read through it quickly that day then took just as long to read the next two. Since I had only just moved back to Utah, I was unaware of the series and of the craze surrounding it. I just knew I was really, really bored.

twilight moms

I also watched the first movie but I hated it almost as much as I hated the idea of middle-aged ladies drooling over shirtless teens. When I heard discussions of Team Edward and Team Jacob, I was very happy that I had no interest in this particular fight. And since my friends already knew I was a stick-in-the-mud, they didn’t mind when I skipped out on their late-night viewing parties.

This week I was bored and lonely again because it was week 2.4 that my husband was out of town. The Twilight movies have been on my List right from the start and I figured if ever I were in the right frame of mind to enjoy them, now would be that time. I guess I wasn’t bored enough.

I expected that Bella’s crusty facial expressions would drive me crazy but they were completely overshadowed by the sound of her voice. So. Many. Long.      Pauses. followedbymumblyfastwords, all in that monotonous monotone voice of hers. Why did they have so many voiceovers when her voice is so boring? A little inflection, please!

bella face

Edward’s pickup lines sound like they come from a court transcript of a stalker case: “I feel very protective of you…I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore…I like to watch you sleep…” The adult in me hears those words as red flags and makes me want Bella to run away and never look back, but I guess I’m not the target audience.

edward valentine

The music and cinematography remind me of those low-budget book commercials and the special effects are just cheesy. Running fast, throwing trees, climbing trees, playing baseball, it’s almost as silly as the dialogue: “Guess the wolf’s out of the bag!” And speaking of the wolves, that scene where Jacob Wolf and Sam Wolf have a standoff and they’ve got growly, wolfy voiceovers? So very dumb.

And those wolves never looked natural. Couldn’t they have found a better CGI guy?

big wolf

And why did they make the baby have a computer generated face? Were they trying to make her look as creepy as possible? Why couldn’t they just use an actual baby with an actual baby’s face? I felt like I was watching The Polar Express.

twilight-baby

The biggest problem I had with the movies could have been prevented altogether. I know Stephanie Meyer could not have foreseen just how popular her books would be, but it’s my opinion that if she had actually taken a minute to imagine how it would look on the big screen, there’s no way she would have written that ripping its head and limbs off was the only way to kill a vampire. Because even if it could be done well by people who are actually good at special effects (which was not the case in these films), it’s just awful to watch that happen to someone, even if that someone is a really bad guy. And because it happens so often, the filmmakers had to keep coming up with more creative and elaborate ways to rip heads off. I’m sensitive to violence anyway, but this was really jarring to watch again and again, even if it looked so incredibly fake.

head

I probably wasn’t trying very hard to like the movies, so maybe this isn’t totally fair, but I will say that bad dialogue and special effects managed to distract me from the horrible hair (especially in the first movie), the pasty skin (I cringed a lot less often than I expected), and Jacob’s face (I kept wanting to push his furrowed brow back up except that’s just the way his face is made, I guess). But, I mean, really? Team Jacob? As if…

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